In some ways, I have put off sharing my thoughts of my personal poker drought because I am an "A" personality type with an ultra-positive atitude. In other ways, I become so miserable that I tend to procrastinate everything that I know is of general well-being about my poker game. The swings of the game can sometimes dictate my emotions. I strive on emotionless-based decision making skills, but fail at them at the same time. Really causes a whirlwind of over-thinking coupled with a regressive sense of despair. I make attempts to separate my "life" from my reality, but usually end up searching for answers of the same questions of the same situation over and over again. Why can I not defend my 3-bet? Why do I tend to repeat the same mistakes tourney after tourney? How can I seem to know what is coming (as in the next card), but not avoid the pitfall? What is wrong with my game? Why can't I win? This is all temporarily medicated with the resolution of "It's in the percentages". If I play 4000 tourneys in a year and I get eliminated early which is about 20% of the time (approximately 800 times), am I just caught in a stretch of games that has to fulfill that 20%? I tend to find some resolve in my own explanation. It doesn't change my way of thinking, It is just a band-aid. I repeat other fruitless habits of analyzing my game, searching for the latest poker software tools, and reading various blogs. I try to gauge my level of burnout to some degree to determine my own self worth. Truly a revolution of my own insanity. I don't have a remedy to share here. I try to take other peoples advice and "just do something else". I am a poker player and I approach almost everything with that mentality. I always return to the cards. I can easily measure what I have lost, but can't find comfort in what I have won. I have won almost 20% of all my mtts and stts combined, but realize that my achievements have me stuck at zero. I peruse the poker sites and acknowledge the winners only to wonder where have I gone wrong? Sometimes starting over with a clean slate re-energizes my thought process, but starting over and over and over again becomes so redundant that I simply want to throw the computer into the Gulf of Mexico. My inner circle of humans can not stand to hear this anymore, so I have shared it with you. I am always open to advice and try to be flexible with other players suggestions and considerations. I think I need a poker playing psychiatrist.
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